~ 34th Day ~
Kowler...Beach Meeting...Pershing...Daniel...Trio Reunion.
Waking up and looking over to see Karen made me do a double-take. It was still sinking in that I was back in Santa Barbara and had reunited with her. Karen and I used to live at the homeless shelter, Casa Esperanza, together during a time when I needed a break from living on the streets, yet continued to use drugs/alcohol in the shelter. There were both men and women at Case and the separate dorms were large rooms pack with bunk beds... 54 total in the woman's dorm. I had the top bunk and Karen had the bottom. The stories from that woman's dorm, alone, not mention the upper smoking balcony (where I spent most of my night awake, not sleeping) as well as the dorm's bathroom, could fill a thin book. Karen's memory is much better than mine, in the drugged out state it remained in, and it has been sweet reminiscing about that short time in Casa where memories are long-lasting. It felt great to be waking up in a plush bed next to her rather than hanging over my top bunk's railing to give a morning smile.
Karen thought my oatmeal concoction was weird and she wasn't a fan of the bite I offered her. To each their own. It was Saturday morning and the famous NA beach meeting was one I was excited to go to after so many years. I started going to this mtg when I was in Bethel House and I kept going sporadically after I was kicked out of this rehab (for good reason). I parked near Pershing, and the walk towards Leadbetter Beach was a walk down memory lane. While I'd been to this beach yesterday, I was driving and my brother Bruce was in the passenger seat, so the focus was on him, not the triggers I was driving past. Walking was quite different... I was by myself (yet hardly alone with the Solid and Sure Rock I clung to).
I walked past the first set of bathrooms where Big Momma and Sandy used to practically drag me to take a shower (I had a fear of showers back then, so they were avoided). Jumping in the ocean and doing a cat bath of sorts was how I preferred scrub up, but the salty residue caking my skin and hair was the trade for washing off my dirty skin and greasy hair. The ladies were always so gentle and sensitive with coaxing me to shower, 'cause they knew the reason for my resistance. Some things don't need to be voiced, just understood.
The Harbor was passed by and then began the sidewalk that led to the row of catamaran boats pulled up on the beach. To those passing by, they were mere common sights of the marine lifestyle, but to me they held much more sentiment. I searched for one boat in particular, but also the names of 2 others. For a 2 month stretch, I had once slept under a catamaran called "Kowler." The one on my left was named "Hot-flash" and "Serenity" was on the right of Kowler. I couldn't find any of them, but the sight of these boats still brought up memories that were both joy-full and pain-full. Again, a shorter book could be written about the days I slept under Kowler, but I'll try to give you a general overview of this time.
I'll try my best to lay out this timeline and suggest you read it slowely as there is over a year's timespan in the following 2 paragraphs: When I was kicked out of Bethel House after being in the program for 4 months, 2 of the staff members, wisely, took me to the psych ward (this was my 2cd stint there, the first being for cutting while at Bethel). My parents came out to visit me while there and when I was released, they took me to the Salvation Army shelter, where I stayed for a couple months. After the first week my drug addiction was picked up again after being clean for 4 months). I started off with crystal meth and soon was back smoking rock cocaine. They would breathalyze us every night, and I was mindful not to drink, though my drug addiction went unnoticed till they popped me with a random drug test. I packed up and began living on the streets (at Pershing and at the Wall) and this was when I went back to working the streets to support my addiction to rock cocaine (I had already fallen to doing this back in IL before I came out to CA). The first of many rapes in SB happened during this time. After 2 months of fogginess, I checked into the Casa Esperanza shelter for 2 months where I met Karen and Daniel (my closest friends at Casa). Much happened in this time, but my drug (and now stealing habbit... mostly wine and candy) was going strong. I spent most of those nights in Casa high on meth and then would snort crushed up pills (prescribed for labels I'll talk about later) till my racing mind would be slowed by the downer pills. I lost my bed at Casa after a 3 day adventure that I'll share in a later post. After checking into the detox center at Casa (trying to get my bed back, but not ready to deal with the roots of my drug addiction) I went back to using and found myself back on the streets for a couple months. My body needed a break so I asked for a bed back at the Salvation Army (Sally). They let me back in under stipulation that I quit the drugs (I complied with a lie that I'd stop) and this was where I reunited with Karen. My rock addiction continued. Daniel came one Saturday morning and wanted me to come pray with him on the beach. We prayed for 2 hours straight and I clearly heard God telling me to leave the Sally and go back out on the streets... but not to rip and run, but rather to minister and help the people who were rippin' and runnin'. My parents didn't believe me when I called them to tell them about my experience on the beach. Many people still doubt what happened the next 5 weeks. But it was real and the calling was undoubtably clear.
These memories as well as an abundance of emotions were bombarding me as I walked up the the row of catamarans. As I said, Kowler or the surrounding boats could not be found, but I took a picture of one that looked similar to him so that you all could see where I slept those 5 amazing weeks as well as several after the attack. Eventually I stopped sleeping under Kowler and began staying longer and longer at the Wall. Though there weren't alot of nights I slept (cause I stayed high), I would go back to Pershing Park and my family there to crash when I needed rest from roaming the Wall area. More on that later.
When the group of people at the beach meeting were spotted, my racing mind was filled with more joy than sorrow of the memories I'd just walked through. I only saw 3 people who I knew from before, but it was good to be back in the space of people who were in recovery. I did speak up in the meeting (something I rarely did before when I was here) and talked about coming to this meeting while active in my addiction... to drink coffee, rest my legs, but most of all to collect hugs that I so desperately needed at the time. Most of the affection I received on the streets was either taken with force or sold to buy another rock. Even though most of people's faces were not those who I thought I'd see, I still wanted to thank this meeting for being a place where a lost and restless girl could go to find shelter and genuine love and acceptance even when she wasn't yet willing to surrender and stop running. I encouraged them to continue opening their arms to those who were willing to begin the recovery process as well as those who simply needed a hot cup of coffee and a hug. I wasn't shy about who my "higher power" was... Jesus Christ is the highEST power and He was the reason I was a different woman sitting here today. It's important to acknowledge the benefits of the NA, AA, CA programs, but this program wasn't the reason I am clean and sober today. Still, it felt good to be with this extended family this morning and it wouldn't be my last meeting here in SB.
After the meeting ended and a few conversations were had with people. A rock was handed out to a person who was touched by what I shared and asked for "one of those new rocks you deal." I walked the beach near the catamarans, the SB sand beneath my feet felt good and the washing of the tide ebbing in and out was metaphorical in so many ways. I needed to process the memories that had washed up this morning and moisture kept filling my eyes... tears of sorrow and of gratitude. Ebbing and flowing, the fact that I was feeling in SB (and not wanting to run and numb) was a miracle compared to when I last walked this part of the beach.
Tumbler was parked near Pershing, therefore, I walked through the park to spend more time with my old family. I met some new people and 2 of them were "2 Feathers" and "Ray Ray." Gator was still in shock that I'd come back and we had a long conversation about the days I lived here on and off. He kept saying how proud he was of me, and that he had never forgotten "Katie, who always carried a 80lb backpack full of rocks." My pack was still heavy that day, but my heart was light and full of joy to be in Pershing with a different purpose. I gave 2 Feathers a "Love" rock after getting to know this tender-hearted man. He was already showing signs of seeing me as his little sister and the week I was here, he was very protective of me whenever he felt people were getting too close to me. We have bonded and he is now part of my Pershing family.
Ray Ray and I also grew a close bond from that first day I met her. I knew of her back when I was here before, but our paths didn't cross much as she wasn't living at Pershing as she is now. She had a staff infection on her foot (I would later see that it was on her upper arm too), and her sandals were weathered and well-worn. I asked if she wanted some new sandals cause I'd packed 5 pairs of my own that I never wore. She said yes, and I walked her to Tumbler to let her pick which pair she wanted. Gave her some ointment and bandages for her open wound and encouraged her to get the staff infection looked at. She started telling me about her boyfriend who would have seizures frequently. These times were very scary for her as she felt helpless. I told her about my experience with Karen (who also has seizures) and some other people I knew who were plagued by them. She was soaking up the stories of when I'd pray in Jesus' name and the people's seizures would stop instantly (tell you more about these experiences later). We talked about some other things regarding her lifestyle and about the courage it takes to make steps in a different direction. She cried out of exhaustion as well as the struggle of living on the streets. I gave her a long hug... she needed to know she was loved and valuable even in the valley she was in.
An hour into the afternoon, so much had already happened and places (both physically and mentally) had been visited. I needed to sit, be still, and process many things. Tumbler is such a safe haven for me... the only thing he couldn't provide that I needed right now, was a long, long hug (rather holding). But I knew Whose arms I could fall into and be held with everlasting love, and in God's gentle but strong arms I rested for the next 3 hours while sitting and writing in Tumbler.
Around 4:30, I was messaged by my old friend Daniel who was wanting to know when I'd be arriving in SB. With joy, I told him my whereabouts and he said he'd walk there to finally reunite after 5 years. It was a joy-full sight when I looked out my window 30mins later to see Daniel standing outside the passenger window. I jumped out and ran over to hug my friend who looked exactly the same but had grown up and matured spiritually so much. He hopped in my truck and I finished proof-reading the day the post I'd just written. The picture we took is such a perfect caption of the joy and excitement in our eyes. We spent some time sitting in Tumbler, facing one another and the reality of this moment. And then we were off to Karen's apartment... to make the duo reunion a trio.
I had called Karen's cell to ask if she was cool with me bringing an old friend (didn't want to give the surprise completely away) back to her apartment, but she didn't answer my call or texts. We went there anyway and when she opened the door, I told her to step outside and then pointed in the direction of where Daniel was standing and smiling so wide. She was totally caught off guard, but her shock quickly wore off as she quickly went over and embraced him. The 3 friends who had lived through some dark times together were finally together again in the light of this present moment and time.
The remainder of the evening was spent ordering a pizza, conversing non-stop, and all of us sitting by the back window area basking in each other's nearness after having been separated for so long. It was surreal at times to look in their faces and realize we had changed, grown, and learned so much from our time in Casa. They both had seen me at different times when I went back out on the streets to dive deeper in my addiction, but they never stopped loving me. Daniel knew full well what I was in bondage to, but Karen didn't see the depth of my drug addiction. Over the next few days, I would spend much time with both of these dear friends. We had so much to catch up on and places to mentally and physically re-visit.
It's important to face and feel.
What we do with all those feelings,
Is most important... walking through it
Or running back towards the things we left.
There is opportunity for more healing and closer.
Often, we need to extend forgiveness more than once.
New memories... new people, places and things to forgive.
Don't be afraid to revisit old valleys... that can become mountains.
~Unshakable Peace, Faith and Purpose~
cling to the Rock
Psalm 18:1-2
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